


Never Said Goodbye

by Writer_Geekgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, CIA Agent Dean Winchester, Canon-Typical Violence, Doctor Jessica Moore, F/M, Injured Dean Winchester, Lawyer Sam Winchester, M/M, Professor Castiel (Supernatural), Single Parent Castiel (Supernatural), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-05-18 18:26:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writer_Geekgirl/pseuds/Writer_Geekgirl
Summary: Dean had left Austin and Castiel behind a decade earlier for a dangerous assignment overseas. After he is injured, he returns home to find a widowed Castiel with two young children. He tries to build a new future while the shadows of the past threaten to destroy him.





	1. Tryin' to Live My Life Without You

Dean Winchester paused as he stepped off the plane. He ran his fingers through his sandy brown hair as he looked around the Austin airport. He hadn't been there in ten long years. He sighed and walked towards baggage claim. As he took the escalators down to the bottom floor, he surveyed the crowds. He smiled as his eyes landed on his tall younger brother. Sam still had long shaggy hair, but he could tell at a distance that his younger brother had filled out and his once rounded face and become leaner with age. Sam grinned when he caught sight of Dean. As soon as Dean stepped away from the escalator, Sam pulled him close and engulfed him a hug.

Dean relaxed into the hug. It had been many years since he saw his younger brother. When Sam put too much pressure on his shoulder, Dean gasped in pain. Sam immediately looked contrite. "I'm sorry, Dean. I wasn't thinking. How are you feeling?" Sam pulled away.

"I'm fine, Sam. More than a little sniper fire to break me. Let's get my suitcase."

They were silent at first as they waited for the suitcase to arrive on the conveyor belt. Sam finally broke the silence. "Are you back for good?"

Dean looked up at his brother, "Yeah. Medical retirement at 40. Not how I pictured the way my career would end. But I'm good with it. I'm so damn tired, Sam. I just want to be home."

Dean walked forward to get his suitcase, but Sam stepped in front of him and grabbed it for him. "Got it, Dean."

Dean grumbled, "I could get my own suitcase."

Sam shrugged, "I didn't say you couldn't. But you don't have to as long as I'm around. Let me help you."

Dean let out a long breath. "Sorry, Sam. I'm just… It's been a long day."

Sam led Dean out of the airport to the parking garage. After taking an elevator up to the third floor, Sam strode across the parking lot to where a '67 Impala gleamed in the lights of the garage. Dean's eyes followed the lines of the car. His face was overjoyed as he swept his hand across the car's fender, "Baby, how are you?"

Sam smiled, "She's good. I just had her detailed for you, and Bobby did a complete inspection and got her road ready. She runs amazing." Sam unlocked the trunk and put Dean's suitcase inside. He dangled the keys, "Are you up to driving, Dean?"

Dean licked his lips. He wanted to drive his car badly, but he also knew his limitations. "You better do it, Sam. Not sure I'm ready for airport traffic." Dean opened the passenger door and slipped inside. When Sam started the car's engine, Dean patted the dashboard. "That's my Baby."

"Jess is out with friends tonight. I'm looking forward to you meeting her. She won't be home until tomorrow evening. They are at a concert," Sam said as he drove the car out of the parking garage with ease.

Dean shot him an appreciative look. "You didn't have to get rid of your wife because I was coming home. Afraid I'm going to steal your girl again?"

"Jess didn't mind. I want to spend some time with you, and we can get you settled into the guest room."

"Only until I find my own place, Sam. I'm not going to sponge off you for long."

Sam snorted. "You raised me, Dean. I think I can put you up for a while. Jess doesn't mind. She's excited to meet you. She's heard so many stories about you that she feels that already knows her."

Dean raised an eyebrow, "I hope you told her at least a few of the good ones."

"Of course."

Dean sighed deeply and looked out the window. He marveled at the changes in Austin over the past decade. A comfortable silence filled the car. Dean relaxed with the rumble do the Impala's engine. Dean drifted off asleep. He awoke with a start when Sam turned the car off in front of a two-story house. Dean let out a low whistle, "Your digs have certainly gotten better." 

Sam laughed, "Well, it's amazing what you can do when you grow up. We're still going to be paying back my law school and Jessica's med school student loans for years, but we do ok."

Dean thought sadly of the lone suitcase in the trunk. It and the duffle bag he had dumped in the back seat contained the entire contents of his life. Sam caught the expression on his face. "My home is your home, Dean. For now, and always."

Dean slid out of the car and grabbed his duffle bag. As Sam took the suitcase out of the trunk, Dean replied, "I'm sure I'll wear out my welcome with Jess."

"Never. She knows we're a package deal," Sam protested.

"You've been married for five years, and I haven't met her. I haven't been much of a package."

Sam put his hand on Dean's arm, "Dean, there's not a day gone by that I haven't thought of you. Wondering if you were alive. Not knowing where you were. Jess has always known you are part of me."

"I'm sorry, Sammy. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you more. I'm sorry I ran out on you." Dean looked away.

"You did what you had to do. Come in. I'll make you a sandwich."

After depositing the bags in the guest room, Sam led Dean to the kitchen. Dean looked around appreciatively at the modern kitchen. The cabinets were a slate blue with granite counters. A large island in the middle of the room included a sink, while a large stainless-steel refrigerator and stove were against the wall. Sam pulled out a variety of containers. He worked efficiently to make two large sandwiches. Dean relaxed in a barstool facing the island.

When Sam handed Dean his sandwich, a beer, and some chips, Dean smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Sam. For this, and well, everything."

"It's all cool, Dean, really," Sam smiled at him reassuringly.

As they ate their sandwiches, Sam stared at Dean. Finally, Dean asked, "Do I have mustard on my chin or something?" He moved in the chair self consciously. 

Sam bit his bottom lip for a minute before saying, "What can you tell me?"

"About what?"

Sam narrowed his eyes slightly, "Let's start on how badly are you injured?"

"Let's skip the foreplay, Sam," Dean grumbled. "Fine. I got shot in the back and the shoulder. The shoulder had to be completely reconstructed. That arm can't do much weight-bearing. One of the bullets punctured a lung. Another lodged near my heart. I'm fine for the most part. I'm just not going to be running any marathons or doing construction work anytime soon."

"What can you tell me about your job?" Sam asked bluntly.

Dean rolled his eyes and said, "I've been interrogated by the best, Sam. Your lawyer tactics won't work on me."

"For ten years, I've put up with vague answers from you, from the State Department, and from the CIA. I finally want some answers. I've been patient, Dean. Where the hell were you and what were you doing?"

Dean slumped in his chair. He didn't want to go over this now, really not ever, but especially not now. "Short version, Sam. I was in deep cover trying to ferret out some arms dealers. It took a while. Things went south, but I lived. The bad guys were killed or captured. A girl or two was saved. I get a nice retirement check from the government every month now. I'm too busted up to do anything except maybe a desk job, and it's even doubtful I could manage that. Loud noises are going to probably freak me out. If you hear me have a nightmare, don't try to wake me, so I won't try to hit you. I have some slight brain damage caused by the blood loss and my heart's near-death experience, so sometimes I might struggle for a word or a thought. Other than that, I'm fine. Great. Just peachy."

Sam looked crestfallen. He mumbled, "What are you going to do?"

"Eat burgers, drink beer, enjoy pies, and watch 11 years' worth of Marvel movies. Maybe get laid. Buy a house. I don't know, Sam. I'm going to live. Okay? I feel like Captain America waking up after being frozen in ice. I have no idea who Ariana Grande or Justin Bieber is. I didn't recognize a single make or model of car on the highway. And how the hell did a reality tv star become president while I was away?"

The corner of Sam's mouth quirked up in a small smile, "Ariana is cool. You probably won't like Justin. And I have no clue how the hell the presidency thing happened. I'm sorry, Dean. I won't push."

Dean shrugged, "It's ok, Sam. You deserve the truth. I can't give you a lot of details about what actually happened. A lot of it is classified. I'm sorry I bailed on you. I just… Dad, you know. I thought he died a hero. I thought it would be what he wanted me to do. But I found out more about Dad. He wasn't a hero, and I'm certainly not one."

"You were always my hero, Dean."

Dean scoffed, "You're kind of dumb and jumped off a building because you thought Batman could fly."

Sam laughed, and Dean began to relax. Dean decided that line of questioning wasn't so bad after all.

Sam asked quietly, "What about Cas?"

Dean stiffened and stared at Sam tensely. "What about Cas? Last I heard he was married and had two kids."

"Are you ever going to tell him why you left?"

"I told him I had a job that I needed to move for."

Sam frowned, "You never told him it was for good. He was still planning to follow you to DC until you told me that you were going overseas for a while. You hurt him."

"Well, it broke his heart so bad that he got married and had kids." Dean slammed his beer on the counter loudly.

"I had to go pick up your stuff from his house after you didn't return. Don't you think that he deserved a goodbye? Or at the least a Dear John letter?"

"I had to do it that way," Dean growled.

"Why?" Sam stood up and dumped his sandwich in the trash with a sudden motion. He glared at Dean with a hand on each hip.

"Because if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to leave," Dean yelled, meeting his eyes.

"Well, maybe that should have told you something right there, Dean."

"I don't have to justify myself to you."

Sam sighed loudly, "Cas is still my friend. I never told him the truth because you told me not to. He thinks you and I had a falling out. He'll know you are back. You'll need to face him someday. I'm not giving up my friend."

"What does it matter? He's married."

"Was married. Kelly died last year in a car accident. He's raising two kids on his own. Claire is eight. Jack is six. Great kids. Cas is a great dad. Jess and I are having one in four months. You're going to be an uncle, Dean."

Dean just stared at his sandwich as a whirl of emotions cascading through him. He'd been upset when he heard that Castiel was married, but he thought it had probably been for the best. He didn't know if he'd ever return. He had doubts. In his mind, he built up that Castiel had some perfect apple pie life. Now that vision was shattered, he didn't know what to feel. He said tiredly, "I'm going to go to bed, Sam. I'm beat.”

Sam asked quietly, "Can I hug you again? I'll be more careful this time."

Dean stood up and put his arms around Sam. Dean murmured, "I'm damn glad to be home, Sammy."

"I'm sorry, Dean. I shouldn't have dragged all this up tonight."

"No, Sam. Thanks for telling me. And congrats on the baby. I can't wait to spoil him or her." Dean turned and went to the guest room. He opened the suitcase and pulled out his scant belongings. Most of it was clothes, but there were also a couple of dog-eared copies of Kurt Vonnegut books and a small box. He opened the box to stare at a few pictures. The first was a picture of his parents, Sam, and him when they were very young. He smiled softly at it; they had looked so happy. Another was a picture of Sam and Dean sitting on the hood of the Impala. The last picture was of him and Castiel watching a sunset on the beach. Sam had taken the picture on an old Polaroid the summer before Dean had left for good.

Dean traced Castiel's profile in the picture with his finger. He whispered, "I'm sorry, Cas."


	2. In Your Time

Castiel Novak smiled as he closed his daughter's bedroom door. Despite insisting she wasn't tired, Claire fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. He paused to glance into his son's room. Jack was curled up in a ball, hugging a stuffed guinea pig. Although Castiel had dark hair, both children were blonde like their mother. They shared his bright blue eyes, however. Castiel closed Jack's door softly.

Castiel sighed as he passed some pictures in the hallway. He touched a photo of a woman with Jack and Claire sitting in her lap. He murmured, "You would have been so proud of Claire tonight, Kelly. She was amazing. She must have gotten her voice from you because it sure wasn't from me." He touched his lips with his fingers and pressed them against Kelly's face.

He turned and walked down the stairs to join his visitor that was reclining on his couch. Castiel's eyes sparkled as he told her, "Mission putting-kids-to-sleep was a success, Jess." Castiel sat on the couch next to Jessica Moore, his best friend's wife. She looked tired, as she put her feet up on the coffee table. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail.

Jessica smiled, "Claire's grown up so much. Thank you for inviting me to the concert, Cas. I'm in training for my own little one." Jessica patted her stomach. "Having a kid is both terrifying and exciting."

Castiel laughed before responding in his gravelly voice, "I'd like to say it gets better, but I'm still both excited and terrified. It's amazing when they figure out something new; terrifying when Jack took a tumble off a slide last week. I think I cried more than he did when I bandaged scrapped up knees."

"You're such a natural."

Castiel scoffed, "I made so many mistakes the first year of Claire's life. It's a miracle she's still alive really."

The two sat in comfortable silence. Castiel reached behind Jessica and massaged her neck. After a few minutes, he said, "You know, Jess, you are welcome to stay the night at my house anytime you want. And you were such a help watching Jack during Claire's concert, but you don't usually have sleepovers with me. Are you and Sam fighting?"

Jessica bit her bottom lip as she looked at him tensely. "I don't know how to tell you this, Cas…" She stopped.

"You're starting to freak me out a little bit, Jess. Are you and Sam okay? Do I need to go break his kneecaps?" Castiel caught one of her hands and squeezed it reassuringly.

Jess gulped and blurted out, "Dean's back." She stared at Castiel intently.

Castiel's face paled before he stammered, "That's fine. It's good. How is he?"

"He got hurt. He didn't call to tell Sam until he got out of the hospital. Some nonsense about not wanting to worry us. Like Sam hasn't been worrying him for years. Months of radio silence."

Castiel took a deep breath before asking, "How hurt? Is he going to be ok?"

Jess sighed, "He talked to Sam. He was well enough to get on a plane to fly back to Austin and asked Sam to pick him up at the airport. He's got a medical discharge from his job though. Cas, I hate how Dean has jerked you and Sam around. What he did to you…"

Castiel interrupted gently, "It was ten years ago. It's ok. I forgave him a long time ago. I'm sure he had reasons to do what he did."

Jessica replied stubbornly, "Whatever they were, you didn't deserve that. The way he left you…"

Castiel draped an arm across Jessica's shoulder and hugged her close. "Jess, don't be mad at him on my behalf. Sam loves him. Sam will always love him. I'm sure you will like him after you get to know him. Everyone likes him."

"He shouldn't have done what he did to you. And the way he's out of communication with Sam for months, even years, at a time."

Castiel rubbed his hand across his chin. "Jess, I doubt he kept away from Sam because he wanted to. Whatever work he did for the government kept him away. It had to be important; they were always inseparable. "

Jessica stared at her wedding ring and growled, "Until they weren't. Sam wants me to love him. He does, but Dean's hurt the two people I love most in the world. I don't want to love him."

Castiel kissed her forehead, "You don't have to love him, but you do have to get along with him. For Sam's sake. And for yours. He's family. The only family Sam has besides you."

Jessica protested, "He also has you, Jack, and Claire. And this little peanut giving me back aches in here." She patted her stomach again and said earnestly, "You got to promise me, Cas, that you won't let Dean keep you away from us. You've been here for Sam for the last decade. Dean hasn't. I can't bear the thought of losing you because he's back."

"I'm part of your lives as long as you want me, Jess. I'm not going anywhere. Really, it will be fine. Dean and I were together a lifetime ago. I'm over it. Kelly and I had an amazing relationship. I miss Kelly more than I can ever tell you. Every time I look at the kids, I see her."

Jessica murmured, "I miss her too. She'd be so thrilled to know I'm pregnant." Her eyes shone with unshed tears as she said, "She'd be taking me shopping, showing me all the things to buy. Pointing out the right parenting books. She should still be here."

Castiel smiled sadly, "She was an amazing woman and I miss her. I can help you with all those things. I mostly know what you need to buy. I'll be a bit lost on the maternity clothes part though. I'm either in a suit at work or in jeans and a t-shirt at home. I'm not a fashion plate."

"You don't need to be. You're sexy in anything." Jessica winked as she tried to lighten the conversation, "Or in nothing all." 

Castiel snorted, "You keep that up, and Sam will get ideas that we're up to no good."

Jess replied, "Are you kidding. Last week Sam told me you could bounce a nickel off your ass." Jessica suddenly yawned widely. 

Castiel shook his head at her, "You should get some sleep, Jess. The little demons will wake up at six a.m. sharp even though they stayed up late tonight. I guarantee that you will not be able to sleep through that. Even when they try to be quiet, they aren't."

Jessica hugged him and stood up. "They're awesome kids, but you are right, I'm dead on my feet. See you in the morning, Cas." She started to walk towards the guest room.

Castiel called after her, "Bright and early, Jess." He picked up the drinking glasses from the coffee table and headed to the kitchen. Once there, he rinsed out the glasses and put them next to the sink. He leaned against the counter and closed his eyes. He knew one day Dean would be back, but he thought it would be at some distant point in the future. The only thing he and Kelly had ever fought about had been Dean. She hadn't been thrilled that Castiel remained best friends with his ex's brother and sometimes the memory of Dean had driven a wedge between them. Kelly deserved better than him. Castiel sighed.

He pushed himself away from the counter and started to pace across the kitchen. Why did Dean have to return now? Castiel was still trying to put his life back together after losing Kelly. He only had returned to his English professor job at the beginning of the semester, having taken a long leave to figure out how to move forward after her death. Jack had just started kindergarten. They just had started to go to daycare after school until Castiel got off of work. He didn't need another distraction.

He stopped and ran his fingers through his tousled hair. He knew Sam would be relieved. Sam's heart had always had a Dean-sized hole since Dean's abrupt departure. Sam tried to shield him from his worries about Dean, but he knew Sam far too well. Castiel sighed and muttered, "It's not all about me. Sam needs his brother. I've been a piss-poor replacement." 

Castiel climbed the stairs to his bedroom. As he entered the room, signs of Kelly still littered the room. She had picked out the curtains, the comforter, the furniture, and the wallpaper. The entire room was Kelly's. He just slept there. He pulled his t-shirt off and tossed it in the laundry hamper in the corner of the room. He walked over to the mirror and stared at himself. He now had a touch of grey on his temples and his perpetual five o'clock shadow had started to get a salt and pepper look to it. The corner of his eyes wrinkled up a little when he smiled. However, he kept good care of himself physically. He wasn't as spry as he was when he was 30, but he ran and exercised and was still lean and muscular. 

He walked to his dresser and pulled out a photo album. Keeping the album had also been a bone of contention with Kelly. However, Castiel had spent almost a decade of his life, not only with Dean but with all of their friends. He couldn't toss all that history away. 

He opened up the photo album to look at a picture of the first dorm room he and Dean had shared. They had met their first year in college at the University of Texas. Both of them were a few years older than the typical student. Dean was enrolled in the criminal justice program, while Castiel studied medieval literature. Dean was outgoing and sociable, while Castiel was shy and introverted. Somehow, they just clicked. The college roommates had evolved into post-college roommates, and then one day they looked at each other and realized their relationship with each other was why they never had a serious relationship with anyone else. Neither of them could pinpoint the exact moment when the nature of their relationship changed from friendship to love. Sam hadn't acted surprised when they told him. He said everyone but Castiel and Dean knew they belonged together.

When Dean had graduated, he went to the police academy and joined the Austin police department. When the CIA had openings, Dean immediately applied. His father had been in the service, and Dean always wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. 

Castiel sighed as he looked at a picture of him and Dean at the beach the summer for Dean left. Castiel had already started applying to teach at colleges in the Virginia area after Dean was accepted at the CIA. The plan was for Dean to go out first to Langley first, and Castiel would follow him a few months later. However, Dean stopped returning his calls almost as soon as he left. Castiel spent years trying to figure out exactly where he went wrong. Sam repeatedly reassured Castiel that it wasn't him. 

Castiel waited for two years for him to return home. When he finally accepted Dean wasn't returning, Castiel moved on. He met Kelly when she started to work as an assistant to the dean of the English department. Being with Kelly was easy. She was sweet and kind. It never had the highs and lows like his relationship with Dean, but Kelly was solid, dependable, and easy to love. They hadn't planned Claire, but when Kelly realized she was pregnant, they easily adapted their routines and got married. To this day, Castiel wondered if he should have kept the true relationship with Dean from Kelly. After he told her, she took it in stride initially, but it seemed to bother her. Castiel regretted not telling her before they were married, so she could have decided for herself if it was something she could accept. She never really had, but she worked through it. They had a mostly happy relationship until she was killed in a traffic accident six months ago. Then Castiel had to learn a whole new set of skills of juggling two kids on his own while trying to earn a living for the three of them.

Castiel stared at the picture of Dean for a long time. He then sighed and slipped the album into the drawer. Dean was back, and Castiel had to accept that. He knew he could only avoid Dean for a certain amount of time before they would crash into each other's orbit. Castiel had no intention of letting Dean impact his relationship with Jessica and Sam. Dean would have to adapt, and so would he.


	3. Still the Same

Dean stretched and opened his eyes. The sun was already up, and he could hear birds singing, dogs barking, and kids playing. He smiled as he glanced around the pleasantly decorated room. After years of waking up in places he didn't want to remember, it was nice to wake up in normal suburbia. He rolled out of bed and glanced down at his sweatpants and t-shirt. After a moment, he decided it probably wouldn't offend Jessica and his shoulder and back would be much more comfortable in the loose, comfortable clothing. It might not be the best first impression, but being on the plane the previous day had left him sore and stiff.

After using the guest bathroom to take a quick shower, brush his teeth, and make sense of his hair, he wandered towards the kitchen. He heard Sam talking on the phone and decided not to interrupt him. He paused to study the books on the large bookcase that covered a significant part of the wall. There were some lawbooks here and there, but there was also a healthy dose of Tolkien, Bradbury, Heinlein, Asimov, and Le Guin on the shelves as well. His nerdy little brother was still just as nerdy. Dean smiled. Sam's voice became clearer as he moved closer to the kitchen.

He overheard Sam ask, "How'd Cas take it, Jess?" Sam paused to listen to a voice on the other end of the call. Dean frowned. Sam had said Jessica had been at a concert but apparently, she'd been with Castiel. Sam continued, "Well, he's Dean. Dean needs some time, Jess. His whole life just turned upside down." Dean scowled at the bookcase, unhappy with the focus of attention. He was especially unhappy that he hadn't been the one to handle telling Castiel he was back. "No, Jess. I'm sure it will work itself out. You never saw them together. Long before they were a thing -- they were best friends. They understand each other. Yeah, I know Cas moved on. Hell, Dean probably did too. He was gone for ten years. When he did call, he mentioned his partner, Jo, a lot. I thought Jo was a guy until I heard her voice once. Definitely a woman."

Dean blanched as he thought of Jo Harvelle, his handler and partner for six years and the go-between for him and the real powers that be. Jo had been killed when his cover was blown. Another death racked up on Dean's body count. Dean buried his face in his hands. He missed the little blonde spitfire immensely. He sighed. While undercover, Jo had played the role of his on and off again girlfriend, so they had a reason to meet alone when they needed too. In reality, she was like the little sister he never had. He was lost in thought until he heard Sam say, "Well, hug Claire and Jack for me. Cas too. We'll see them next weekend when they come over."

Dean gulped. He'd be seeing Castiel in a week unless he found a reason not to be there. He panicked when he thought Sam might realize he was eavesdropping. He called loudly, "Hey, Sam. Where are you?"

"Kitchen, Dean. Making breakfast."

Dean rambled in and said, "Hello, Sasquatch."

"Jess will be here in an hour."

Dean remembered the cover story of where Jess was supposed to have been, "How did Jess enjoy the concert? Did Jess and her friends rock out?"

Sam shifted uncomfortably as he placed bacon in a skillet. "It was a kid's concert for a friend of ours. His daughter was in a recital last night and he needed help with his son." Sam looked up from the stove, "It was Cas, Dean. Jess and Cas are close friends. She was helping Cas by watching Jack while Claire sang in a concert. We help him out sometimes; the single parenting thing is rough on him."

Dean felt of a flash of relief that Sam hadn't lied to him, but then a wave of dread. If Jessica and Castiel were good friends, she had probably already heard about the way Dean had left him. Jessica would probably hate him out of the gate. Dean muttered, "I know a thing or two about single parenting. Dad wasn't much help with you."

Sam looked at him mournfully, "I know, Dean. I appreciate everything you did."

"But Cas overall is doing well?"

Sam shrugged. "Cas always says he's fine. But you know Cas. He could lose an arm and say it was merely a flesh wound."

"Still rocking the Monty Python references?" Dean responded with a pleased smile.

"Dean, you made me watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail a dozen times at least."

Dean pushed Sam playfully away from the stove. "Let me do the bacon, Sam. You know you always get it too crispy."

Sam snorted. "It's my kitchen, you control freak." He handed Dean the fork he was using to turn the bacon and started putting the ingredients together for scrambled eggs.

"So, Jess knows what an ass I am? I'm sure Cas had told her."

Sam frowned at Dean, "Cas had never complained about you to Jess or me. Cas cried on my shoulder for the first year because he thought he had done something wrong, but he doesn't really talk about you much. It also used to bother Kelly, so we tried to avoid talking about you in front of them."

"Why the hell would it bother his wife? We were done before he met her."

Sam sighed and warmed up a pan for the eggs. "Cas didn't tell her he was bi before they got together. She knew I was Cas' friend and I had a brother overseas. One night I guess Cas let the cat out of the bag, and there was a rocky spot for them. They straightened it out though. I think she was more hurt that he misled her than anything. He told her I was like a brother to him."

Dean's brow furrowed, "You were…I mean…are like a brother to him. You've known him since you were a teenager."

"I think it was more that he didn't tell her about his previous relationship being with a guy. She wasn't homophobic or anything. He should have just told her upfront, you know?"

Dean scowled as he finished the bacon. "Did she lay out her entire love life for him and all of her partners?"

"Dean, stop it. Kelly's gone, and Cas loved her very much. She loved him. Normal couples just fight sometimes. She didn't treat him badly; she was just hurt. Don't judge her."

Dean pulled the bowl of eggs from Sam's hands and poured them into the pan. "I guess to me, it's like I remember Cas as he was. He's like a whole new person now. I think I'm pretty much the same."

Sam frowned and turned to the fridge to pull out some fruit. Dean smiled as he watched him. It was a good feeling to be working as a team in the kitchen again. Raising Sam, the pair of them often completed each other's cooking tasks as they prepared meals. This felt comfortable; this was home.

Sam said carefully as he started to slice some fruit, "I think you're different, Dean. I heard you call out for someone last night. You told me to leave you alone during nightmares, but I didn't want to. I wanted to wake you up."

Dean sighed as he cooked the eggs. "Sam, I saw some bad crap. I won't lie to you about that. I got some issues to work though. I'm going to see a therapist. I got a referral from the one I saw in Virginia. I know I'm screwed up, Sam. That's why I probably should get a place of my own as soon as possible."

Sam shook his head vigorously, "No. You need to be with family right now. I know you. Too much time alone and you'll get into your own head too much."

Dean ignored his words and asked, "Plates?"

Sam replied, "Above you." Sam put the sliced fruit on the kitchen bar and pulled out silverware. After Dean plated the food, he sat down at the bar next to Sam. 

Dean gave Sam a thoughtful look, "This is Jess' home too. Are you sure I'm not intruding?"

"She'll love you after she gets to know you," Sam answered reassuringly.

Dean said softly, "We'll see. Sam, remember my partner, Jo?" After Sam nodded, Dean added, "She's dead. I don't want to talk about it, but I wanted to let you know that. She took a bullet for me. Without her, I wouldn't be here. Now, I never want to talk about Jo again."

Sam's eyes narrowed as he realized Dean might have overheard him talking to Jessica. "If you change her mind about talking about her…"

"I swear to God, if you ever mention her again, I will punch you in the face."

"Ok, no Jo. Anything else I can't mention?"

"Just don't ask about my work. Please, Sam. I just want to put it all behind me. I'll see a therapist and share all my deep dark secrets with her. So, don't worry. Ok?"

Sam started to respond when they heard the front door open. Jessica called out in a sing-song voice, "Where are you, babe?"

Dean replied with a wink and his mouth full of eggs, "In here, sweetheart."

Sam shot Dean a bitch face, as he slipped off the bar stool to hug Jess and kiss her on the cheek as she entered the room. "Hi, love."

Jessica put out her hand to Dean, "Hi, Dean. I've heard so much about you."

"Most of it is probably true and not really exaggerated," Dean winked as he shook her hand. "And you are way out of my brother's league."

A flash of irritation arced across Jessica's face before she schooled her emotions again. "Your sweet talking ways will not get you any of the cherry pie I bought, Dean." She placed a pie on the counter next to him. 

Dean felt uncomfortable. It felt like Jessica had already judged him and found him wanting. Dean awkwardly smiled and said, "How about I clean up this kitchen to earn it."

The corner of Jessica's mouth quirked up in a small smile, "Sounds fair."

After cleaning the kitchen, the three of them spent a lazy day together watching television and sharing Sam stories. While they were watching a movie, Dean fell asleep on the couch. When he awoke, he was covered by a blanket and the lights were off in the living room. He must have been asleep for a while because the sun had already begun to set. After he heard rustling in the kitchen, he walked there sleepily to find Jessica was making a cold pasta salad.

Jessica smiled at him and said, "I hope you had a good nap. I forgot to get a few things at the grocery store, so Sam ran out to pick them up." Dean nodded and sat at the bar. Jessica walked over to the fridge, pulled out a beer, and placed it in front of him. She stared at him a moment before saying, "Sam stocked up on your favorite brand of beer as soon as you called him and said you were coming back. He was like a little boy at Christmas. You being here means a lot to him. "

"I'm so happy to see him, Jess. I've missed him a lot. I've been away too long." Another annoyed look flickered across Jessica's face for a brief moment before fading. Dean took a deep breath before saying, "Ok, Jess. Let's have it. Tell it to me straight. If you want me to leave, I will. I won't tell Sam about this discussion. I don't want to cause problems for you." Dean looked at Jessica intently. "No harm, no foul. I'll find an apartment tomorrow. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or unhappy in your own home. You don’t deserve that. I don’t want to disrupt your life."

Jessica frowned for a moment before saying, "I don’t know you enough, Dean, to know whether I like you or not. But you come with a lot of baggage. And I think you should understand something." She paused.

Dean bowed his head slightly and replied, "I'm listening."

"Cas is part of our family. Sam is his children's godparent. We love those kids like they were our own. Castiel is our best friend. He's been through enough. If you hurt him, I will end you." Jessica's eyes flashed dangerously.

Dean sighed, "I knew I made a mistake the first week I left him, Jess. Believe it or not, I wasn't trying to hurt him. I just thought… I thought it was for the best."

"How could running out on your boyfriend could be for the best? You left him wondering what the hell he did wrong."

Dean sighed, "When we got out of college, I joined the police department. Every time there was a police shooting or if I was home late, he would stress out. He lost everyone in his life before we met. His father died of a heart attack, his twin brother drowned in a boating accident, and his mother disowned him when she found out he liked guys. He literally had no one. Whenever I was on duty, he was scared something was going to happen to me. I understood it; Sam and I lost our dad in the line of duty. I did everything I knew how to do to reassure him. I tried to be as careful as I could be, given my job. I checked in with him when I was going to be late. He wasn't trying to be controlling; he was just worried. When I found out the role that the CIA wanted me to train for, I realized I would be spending months at a time overseas and unable to communicate with him. Cas wouldn't have been able to handle it. I couldn't do it to him. So, I had to choose between him and the CIA."

Jessica glared at him, "Well, you chose wrong."

Dean replied exasperatedly, "You think I don't know that? The last ten years has one been one long shit storm for me. But I had this idea that I wanted, that I needed to make my dad proud. I thought he had given his life for our country and that I should do no less than the same. But who I thought my dad was, he wasn't. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would. I wish to God I could, Jess."

Jessica said stubbornly, "Well, I'm glad you can't. Claire and Jack are amazing. Kelly and Cas were wonderful together. It's your loss and not his. But he's still emotionally fragile from losing Kelly. He's gone through a lot in the last year, and the last thing he needs is for you to swoop in, confuse him, and then upset him again. He deserves much better than that."

Dean sighed, "I know it's too late for us. Cas moved on. I get that. We don’t know each other anymore. And the things I had to do, they changed me, Jess. I'm not right for him. I'd like to eventually be his friend again if he'll let me. We had a lot of history and good times with each other before we were a couple."

Jessica stared at him for a moment. "Well, you'll get a chance. My birthday is next weekend. He's coming with the kids."

"I can skip your birthday and clear out that day if you want, Jess," Dean offered.

"Sam would hate that. And, Dean, Sam and Cas both forgave you. If they forgive you, I should. As long as you don't hurt them, I'd like you to stay. Sam missed you. If you hurt either one though, you won't like what happens."

Dean suppressed a smile at the threat. "Jess, I'm terrified of you, seriously. I really don't want to hurt them. I just wanted to come home to be with my family. I love that you are so protective of them. Both Sam and Cas lucky to have you in their lives."

"Sam has always hung the sun and the moon on you. He told me how you raised him. That takes a special person to raise their little brother and to put them first," Jess smiled slightly. "Sam is a good man, and I guess you are partly to blame for that."

Dean grew uncomfortable with praise. "I just did what any big brother worth his salt would do."

"No, you went way beyond and above. I really want to like you. Please don't give me a reason not to. I love Sam. You're a big part of Sam's life. I want you to stay."

"Thanks for giving me a chance, Jess." Dean looked away. "Jess, believe me, I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to my family for going and staying away the way that I did. I'm damaged goods. I know that. I just want to try to make things right."

"You have a clean slate with Mary," Jess responded.

Dean looked confused, "Mary?"

Jessica put her hand on the stomach. "Sam and I are having a girl. We're going to name her Mary after your mother. Sam wanted to do that. Be a good uncle. She'll love you for it."

"Mary, huh? I like that." Dean picked up the full trash can and headed to the back door, "And, Jess. I'm glad Sam found you. The boy did something right when he married you. He did good."

Jessica winked, "Don't you forget that, Dean."


	4. Looking Back

Castiel paced the floor. He didn't teach on Wednesday afternoon and the kids didn't need to be picked up yet, so he had a few hours of free time. Usually, he used that time to grade papers from the literature courses he taught, but today he was distracted by thoughts of seeing Dean at Jessica's party. He wasn't sure how he was going to react when he saw him. He had a lot of pent-up feelings. Although he told Jess he was over it and let it go, he really never had. He was angry and hurt still. In ten years, he never received a single call or letter from Dean. He knew Sam occasionally talked to Dean in the intervening decade, and Sam would give him terse summaries of what he would find out, but Dean never reached out to him.

Mostly he was concerned about seeing Dean for the first time with Claire and Jack present. If he or Dean went off the rails and exchanged words, Claire and Jack would witness it. He had the added factor of not wanting to ruin Jessica's birthday or to alienate Jessica any further from Dean than she already was. Castiel didn't want to give up his friendship with Sam or Jessica, and he knew that Dean came as part of the package deal. He had to work on being cordial with Dean. He had no delusions of him and Dean ever re-establishing their close friendship because the break in trust was so great. Castiel only let a few people inside his defenses, but he loved those few without reservations. Dean crushed him. If Sam hadn't been so persistent in pulling Castiel out of his shell, Castiel probably would have become a hermit after Dean left. 

The only way to possibly control what would happen was to talk to Dean before the party and establish a few ground rules. Castiel nervously pulled out his cellphone and then dropped it on his desk. He wasn't sure if he could do it. He sighed, picked it up again, and looked for Dean's contact information. Sam had given it to Castiel as soon as Dean got a new phone; however, he knew Sam hadn't given Dean his. He was the one who had to reach out.

With trepidation, he called Dean's number. Dean answered, "Hello, who is this?" Castiel opened his mouth to talk, but the words got stuck in his throat. After a moment, Dean repeated with an annoyed tone, "Hello?"

Castiel said tensely, "Hello, Dean."

There was quiet on the line for a full thirty seconds before Dean said, "Cas?"

"Yeah, it's me, Dean. Listen, I don’t want to bother you, but I wanted to know if you would meet me for coffee. I think we need to have a conversation before Jess' party. It shouldn't take long."

There was a hitch in Dean's voice as he answered, "Sure, Cas. When?"

"Half hour at the coffee stop on 6th?"

He heard a sigh on the other end of the line. Castiel felt irritated that it seemed to be such a burden to have a simple cup of coffee. He was about to tell Dean to forget it when Dean said softly, "I am free to meet you, Cas, but I can't drive yet."

Castiel gulped as he realized it probably had something to do with his injuries. Castiel mentally rerouted where they could meet and said, "There's a diner about two blocks away from Sam's house. Do you feel well enough to walk there?"

"Sure, Cas. I'll head that way now."

"Meet you there in about forty minutes then. Goodbye, Dean."

Dean replied, "See you there. And Cas…" Dean trailed off.

"What?"

"It's good to hear your voice." The phone call ended with a click. Castiel stood frozen looking at the phone. He glared at it and considered calling Dean to ask if it was so good to hear his voice why hadn't he called in the past decade? It wasn't like Castiel could have called him. Castiel breathed deeply to try to dissipate the growing tension and relax. A swirl of emotions threatened to overwhelm him, but he pushed them down and went to his car.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

Dean stared dumbly at the phone. He wasn't expecting that. He assumed Castiel would come to Jessica's party and he would stand quietly in a corner while Castiel chatted with Sam, Jessica, and her other friends until he could find a reason to escape to his room and get out of everybody's hair. He hadn't liked to admit that he wasn't up to driving yet. Sometimes his vision still blurred, and he could get disoriented. The doctors assured him that it was likely temporary and he would recover. He hadn't told Sam, but he had gone into cardiac arrest twice while they were performing surgery on him. The slight brain damage suffered, as a result, could also cause him to have a seizure. After having a couple of minor ones in the rehab center, they put him on anti-seizure medicine to reduce the possibility. The rational part of him knew he should tell Sam, but he knew Sam already worried about him. He didn't want to cause Sam any more anxiety, especially with the baby on its way. 

He pulled on his leather jacket and walked to the diner. He asked to be seated in a corner booth so he could watch the door for Castiel's entry. When Castiel's old gold Lincoln Continental pulled into the lot, he smiled. He had kept that old car running for Castiel for years. He had expected him to have traded it out for something newer, but Castiel was strangely attached to it. When Castiel got out of the car, Dean froze. He had filled out a bit in the ten years since he saw him and was more muscular. The hair had his temples had traces of grey, but he still looked as breathtaking if not more. Dean choked down a laugh at seeing Castiel still wore the same battered, tan trench coat that he had had since they were in college. The thing was never warm enough for the winters. Yet, Castiel always insisted on wearing it. He glanced down at himself. He was wearing loose-fitting jeans and a black t-shirt with a red plaid shirt over it. The old leather jacket he was wearing was one he had had years ago too. The corner of his mouth quirked up as he realized he was still dressed in the same old clothes too. Sam had pulled the clothes out from a drawer freshly laundered for him the day after he arrived. Sam had hung onto all of Dean's things after he had picked them up from Castiel's so long ago.

Castiel looked flustered and ran his fingers through his already tousled hair as he headed for the diner door. As he stepped in and scanned the room, he paused when he saw Dean. Castiel bit his bottom lip, squared his shoulders, and marched towards Dean as if heading for his own execution.

Castiel paused at the table, "Hello, Dean. Can I sit down?"

Dean smiled at him warmly, "Knock yourself out, Cas." Castiel kept his face emotionless as he sat.

Before they could say anything, a waitress hustled over to take their drink orders. After she left, the two just stared intently at each other. Castiel nervously cleared his throat, "You are probably wondering why I asked you to come to meet me."

Dean said softly, "I figured you wanted an explanation. Answers. And didn't want Sam and Jess as an audience."

Castiel exclaimed loudly, "No." Several patrons turned to stare at them. Castiel blushed before softly saying, "No."

Dean looked at him confused, "No?"

"I never want to know why. Ever, Dean. What happened in the past doesn't matter. All that matters is how we are going to interact with each other in the future. We love the same people. I don't want to let them go. So, we have to learn to coexist."

"Why don't you want to know?" Dean asked genuinely perplexed.

"Confessing to me now would be just to make you feel better. I have no interest in knowing why. You did it without looking back. Without an explanation. If you had called me then and told me, I would have listened and tried to understand. You took all the choice away from me. You abandoned me, Dean. Whatever reason you had is irrelevant to me. I moved on."

Dean shifted uncomfortably. He never expected Castiel to really forgive him, but he was hoping he'd at least be able to explain why and how he screwed up. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the waitress came back with their coffee. When she asked about food, Dean ordered a burger and fries and Castiel a salad.

Dean closed his eyes a moment before asking, "Why then did you want to meet, Cas?"

"I'm sure Sam and Jess have told you about Jack and Claire."

Dean nodded. "I'm sorry about your wife, Cas. I really am. I didn’t know until I came back."

Castiel shrugged, "If you had known, would it have made a difference? Would you have called to offer your condolences?"

Dean mentally calculated where he was at the time. He probably had been deep in the bowels of the cartel right before his cover was blown. He couldn't have called even if he had known. "No, Cas. I supposed it wouldn't. I wouldn't have been able to call. But I would have if I could."

Castiel's eyes glistened with tears. "Kelly was an amazing woman, Dean. She was the best mother Claire and Jack could have had. I'll miss her every day for the rest of my life."

Dean looked soulfully at Castiel, while his gut knotted up with unexpected jealousy. He had no right to be jealous or angry. Castiel had moved on exactly as Dean wanted.

Castiel stood up straighter, "Kelly's not the reason that I wanted to talk to you either."

"Why then, Cas?"

Castiel looked nervously around the restaurant as if he could pluck the words out of the air if he could just see them. He said, "Claire and Jack don't know that I was involved in a relationship with a man. I'm not ashamed of it, Dean. I just don't want to explain it to them yet. And I especially don't want them to know it was with the brother of my best friend. When they are older, I'll tell them. I want them to embrace whatever sexuality they feel, and they'll always get honest answers if they ask questions. But if they knew about you, they'd ask questions about you that I'm not yet prepared to answer. Claire and Jack are the most important thing in my life. I will do whatever I need to keep them safe and happy. Do you understand?"

Dean nodded solemnly, "I do. I know both of us had piss-poor parents growing up. I know that you and Sam are and will be much better parents than any of ours. "

"Kelly's parents are lovely people. They live in California and come to visit a couple of times of a year. They like Sam and Jess. Since Jess' parents are gone, they volunteered to be Mary's grandparents too." Castiel smiled fondly.

"I think my mother would have been a wonderful grandparent," Dean's memory of his mother was foggy because she died when he was so young. He remembered pies, PB&Js with the crusts cut off, and a casserole dish that was her specialty. He could also vaguely remember Beatles songs and telling him about angels.

Castiel continued, "I expect someday you will meet them. Sam and I have always taken turns hosting Christmas. The one last year was at Sam's and Jess' house because there were too many memories at mine."

The waitress arrived with their food. They were quiet for a moment; neither of them really hungry. After pushing his salad across the plate with his fork, Castiel took a deep breath and stammered, "Do you mind me being friends with Sam? I know I have been usurping your family. I just…" Castiel looked down without meeting Dean's eyes.

Dean reached over to squeeze his hand but Castiel flinched. Dean pulled his hand back quickly. "Cas, we're family. You, me, and Sam have always been family. I know I've sucked at the family thing lately. My priorities were screwed up. Almost dying makes you re-examine what's important in your life. Sam and Jess love you. I'd rather go away again than get between you three. You were there for him when I wasn't. He was there for you when I wasn't. I want to come home, but I don't want it to be at the expense of the happiness you and Sam have built for yourselves. If you need me to back away, I'll move to another state. Hell, I'll move to Canada. Whatever you and Sam need."

Castiel looked out the window, still not meeting Dean's eyes. "Sam needs you. He always has."

"You're still a genius, Cas."

Castiel looked at him sharply their eyes finally meeting again. "Why?"

"Duh, because you are. And for getting together before the party. It's good that we met here today. I know you don't have a reason to ever trust me again. And I certainly have no delusions that we are the same people we were ten or twenty years ago. But I would like to earn back enough trust that we could be friends. Maybe grab a beer once in a while. I know it could take years, maybe decades, maybe never at all. You're going to call all the shots here, Cas. You don't want me ever to text or call you to shoot the shit, I won't. If you want me not to attend a family function, I won't. And I promise not to ever be bitter or angry about it. I blew it, Cas, with both you and Sam. I regret the road I took. I'm sorry."

Castiel smiled faintly, "Eat your burger, Dean. I think I just heard your stomach growl." Castiel took a bite of his salad. 

They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. Dean felt a small glimmer of hope that he and Castiel could work past their history to become friends. He knew he didn't deserve it, but he hoped ever so slightly.

Castiel put his fork down and looked at Dean intently. The blue eyes met green eyes for several moments. Dean finally asked, "Mustard on my chin?"

"How are you, Dean? We focused just on me."

Dean smiled, "I'm fine, Cas."

"A few minutes ago you said you almost died and you aren't able to drive," Castiel looked at him stubbornly.

"I'm healing. I'm fine."

Castiel pursed his lips together. "The Winchester way is to say they are fine, even when they aren't. Please, Dean, just the basics?"

Dean wanted to fend off questions but realized if he wanted to regain trust, he had to give trust. "Cas, I will tell you about my injuries. I can't answer questions about my job other than some vague details. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm not allowed to."

"I'm not trying to pry. I just… I know you were hurt badly and, sometimes, there are symptoms that family members should be looking for. Also, Claire and Jack rough house and I need to tell them if they aren't allowed to tackle Uncle Dean or lay elaborate boobytraps in your path. They are inventive, and I'm pretty sure Sam's been a bad influence."

Dean's heart warmed as Castiel called him family and the seed of hope started to bloom a little. "I'll give you a little more detail that I gave Sam. I'd appreciate it if you don't repeat all of it, because Sam's worried enough. "

Castiel looked at him sternly, "You know I've always kept your confidences unless I thought it was detrimental to your wellbeing to do so."

"Damn, I'd almost forgot how you got that smiting look about you sometimes," Dean laughed.

"Fess up, Winchester," Castiel growled in his deep voice.

"I was shot twice at long range. One hit my shoulder and shattered the joint. It's been reconstructed. I did some physical therapy back in Virginia before coming home. I'll do more starting next week. The other lodged near my heart. It took a while for me to get medical help. I suffered from some slight brain damage as a result of blood loss and going into cardiac arrest twice during surgery. It's not really that bad. I am on anti-seizure medicine. I sometimes get blurry vision, become confused, or can't remember words. You'd mostly just see me space out if that happens. The doctors are actually amazed at how well I am doing." Dean paused and looked guilty, "The injury actually occurred several months ago. I didn't call Sam until after I went through most of the rehabilitation because there was nothing he could do to help. The long-term prognosis is good. I also suffer from anxiety attacks and PTSD. It's fairly well controlled through medication, and I'm scheduled to start seeing a therapist for that next week as well. That's my health in a nutshell, Cas. And that was the longest description I've given anyone."

Castiel had paled slightly even though Dean had given the description to him in a very clinical and detached away. Castiel said stunned, "I didn't realize how close we came to losing you."

"But you didn't. I'm here to darken your doorstep and complicate your life." Dean flashed him a cocky smile. "I'm hard to kill."

"When?"

"What, when?" Dean asked.

"When were you hurt?"

"May 18th. Please don't tell Sam. He'll be super pissed if he realizes that I waited until the end of December to call him."

Castiel stood up abruptly, "I have to go. Don't worry, I won't tell Sam anything. Please tell at least Jess about your medications because she's a doctor. I'll see you on Saturday." Castiel rushed out the door of the diner, looking panicked. 

Dean stared at him departing in stunned silence. He looked at Castiel's salad and shrugged, "I guess I'm paying for him too." He called the waitress for the check. As the gold Continental pulled out of the parking lot, Dean stared after it confused. A suspicion started to well up in his chest. He pulled out his phone and searched for Kelly Kline Novak in the obituaries. When he confirmed she had died on May 18th, he muttered, "Son of a bitch."

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

Castiel remembered every moment of the day Kelly died as if it was seared in his brain. The Spring semester was ending. He took the students' papers home to grade and picked up the kids from daycare on the way. He was worried because it was raining. Kelly never liked driving in the rain. They carpooled to work usually because they both worked at the university. However, that day, Kelly was helping with an event with the History department and needed to work late. He started to worry when she hadn't returned at the expected time. He called her phone, but it went straight to voice mail.

Jessica had been the one to call him about the accident. She worked in the ER and was on duty when Kelly was brought in. Kelly was pulling through an intersection when another car ran a red light and crashed into the driver's side of her SUV. When Jessica called him, Kelly was in surgery. Castiel put the kids in his car and drove dazed to the hospital. Sam met him there along with Bobby, the man that helped raise Dean and Sam when their dad was on assignment. Bobby took the kids back to his place, while Sam and Castiel waited. They sat side-by-side without saying a word in the waiting room for what seemed hours until Jessica came out. Castiel knew before she said anything that Kelly was gone. 

He became a single parent on May 18th. It was the worst day of his life. Worse than the day Dean left him. He felt overwhelmed with funeral arrangements, calling people, telling the children… Everything that one had to deal with when someone you loved died unexpectedly. Sam and Jessica, along with Bobby, stepped up to the plate and helped him make decisions. He took a leave of absence from work and didn't teach in the Fall. He had only started again in January. 

As Kelly was dying in an emergency room at home, Dean was dying whatever the hell country he was in at the time. The only difference was, Dean survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, you actually get to meet Claire and Jack finally!


	5. Always In My Heart

The following Saturday, Dean helped Sam get ready for Jessica's birthday party. The two stood next to each other in the kitchen working in comfortable silence. Having his brother near him was comforting to Dean. He was preparing hamburgers for the grill, while Sam sliced vegetables for a salad.

Jessica left early that morning to have a spa day with their friend, Charlie Bradbury. Dean couldn't wait to see the geeky redhead who had been like a little sister to him in high school. She moved to California after they graduated to go to college. Even after she left, Dean played video games with her and sent her goofy email pictures until he left for the CIA. He hadn't talked to her in ten years. She was another person Dean dropped out on when he left Austin behind. He was overjoyed when Sam told him she returned to Austin a few years ago. Dean knew he was in for a reckoning when she arrived at the party. Charlie was big on the whole revenge thing.

Dean sighed heavily as the thought about Charlie's anger being unleashed towards him. It was sure to involve some level of physical pain. Sam looked at him quizzically. "Penny for your thoughts, Dean?"

"Just wondering how pissed Charlie is going to be with me."

Sam shrugged, "She's going to yell at you for a few minutes, and then she'll hug you until you pass out. She's relieved you made it home. Yeah, she called me about a week after you left, freaked out that something might have happened to you. You apparently missed your World of Warcraft raid time. You have some fences to mend there."

Dean snorted, "I haven't thought of that game in ages."

"Charlie still plays. Maybe you can get a computer and play with her. You've been kind of bored."

"Not bored, Sam. I'm just… trying to figure out my next move. I guess the first thing is to get out of your guest room."

Sam glared at him, "No. I'm not ready for you to leave yet. You and Jess are getting along great."

"Sam, I only plan on moving into an apartment or a house, not Mars."

Sam stopped slicing the tomato he was working on, "Dean, you don't get it…" Sam paused, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

Dean asked, "Get what?"

Sam whispered, "I still can't believe you are here. I keep waking up thinking this past week is just a dream. Man, you were gone for ten years. For the last six months, I was certain you were dead. You told me you'd call me in June. Well, June came and went. I called the number you gave me for emergencies. They just said you were unavailable until future notice. I thought you were dead." Tears started streaming down Sam's cheeks. 

Dean washed his hands quickly and turned to Sam, "Come here." Dean held Sam as tight as his injured shoulder would allow. He said apologetically, "Sam, I should have called you sooner. I wasn't thinking straight."

"From June to December, I thought you were dead. I was used to getting a call from you or someone from the Agency every six months. Nobody called."

"Jo and her contacts handled that Sam. And she… died. Everything was confusing. But I should have called you from the hospital when I arrived back in the country. I just didn't think…"

Sam growled, "You owe me, Dean. I want this not to feel like a friggin' dream before you go off again. I like hearing you rattle around the house at night, grumbling about coffee when you first wake up. I don't want you to leave again." Tears glistened in Sam's eyes as he pulled away and mumbled, "Sorry for the Hallmark moment." Sam returned to slicing tomatoes.

Dean responded apologetically, "Sam, I screwed up in so many ways. I aim to make them as right as I can. If staying here longer will do that…"

Sam nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeves again. "Wish I could claim I was cutting onions to cause this tear fest. Dean, I know you had a job to do. I know you were doing your best."

"No, Sam. I wasn't. The damn job wasn't worth everything it cost me, cost us."

"You were doing it for our country…"

Dean slammed his fist on the stove. "I was doing something because I thought I was saving people. I found out, it wasn't so much saving people as controlling and manipulating people. What I did… Who I hurt… I can't undo it, Sam. I like to think the good that I did outweighs the bad, but I'm not even sure of that anymore." Sam stared at him in stunned silence. Dean sighed, "I'm sorry, Sam. This is far too heavy on Jess' birthday."

Sam stared at him, "If you ever need someone to talk to…"

Dean shrugged, "I have my therapist for that." He hadn't met her yet, but he had one. Missouri Moseley was the therapist that his doctors in Virginia recommended. He wasn't big on the whole talking in therapy thing, but he recognized he had issues that he needed help with. His first panic attack in the hospital had taught him that. After so many years of pushing crap down, everything seemed to be bubbling right below the surface. Dean could have come home from Virginia earlier, but he wanted to get a handle on things. He was now holding on, but sometimes it seemed like it was by a thread. He had gotten through his entire life by blustering and bluffing, so he would keep doing that as long as he could.

The two worked together quickly to have everything ready to put the burgers on the grill as soon as Jessica returned. Beer and soda were on ice. Potato salad, fruit salad, and a tossed salad were on the kitchen island. Pies were being kept warm in the oven. They sat on the couch drinking beer while they waited for Jessica and the guests to arrive. When the doorbell rang, Dean popped off the couch first. "Let me get that." He had pent up energy that he needed to get rid of. The earlier conversation with Sam had left him tense and on edge.

When he opened the door, a blonde-haired girl wearing jeans and a unicorn shirt stood there with a present in one hand and a casserole dish with baked beans in the other. Dean smiled as he knelt in front of her and said, "Let me help you with that."

The girl backed away, "Are you Uncle Sam's brother?"

"My name is Dean. Are you Claire?"

The girl nodded, "Daddy said we had to be careful with you because of your shoulder, so I should carry this." The girl almost dropped the casserole dish as she backed away.

Dean smiled at her reassuringly, "Only one of my shoulders is injured. The other one works just fine." 

Claire looked at him suspiciously before surrendering the casserole dish. "If Daddy gets mad, it's your fault."

"I'll take all the blame. Where is your dad?" Dean took the dish and rose to stand.

"Jack doesn't want to come in. He doesn't like crowds and noise. When he found out there were going to be people here besides Uncle Sam and Aunt Jess, he got stubborn. He does that. Daddy said it's just part of what makes him him." When Claire suddenly spotted Sam standing in the entryway of the kitchen, she squealed, "Uncle Sam!" She ran and threw her arms around his knees, dropping the present in the process. 

Dean brushed past the two of them to put the beans in the kitchen. When Castiel still hadn't made his way to the door when he returned to the living room, Dean called out, "I'll go help him."

Sam tried to say something, but Dean breezed past him. Dean was worried about how Castiel was going to react to him after their discussion a few days earlier. If Castiel seemed bothered by him, Dean was determined to try to slip out during the party and stay out of the way. He found Castiel kneeling next to the gold Continental talking to someone in the back seat. As he walked up, he heard Castiel say, "It's only a few extra people. You know all of them except one. Charlie is going to be there. You like Charlie; she lets you play video games. Uncle Bobby and Jody. And Uncle Sam's brother."

A voice said firmly from the backseat said, "No." Castiel glanced up and his eyes met Dean's.

"Hello, Dean. Jack and I will be there in a minute," Castiel responded firmly.

The voice exclaimed louder, "I said no!"

Castiel sighed and slid into a sitting position in the grass. He put his face in his hands, "Jack…" He looked defeated.

Dean said quietly, "May I?" He gestured to the car.

Castiel scooted away from the car, "Knock yourself out, Dean."

"Hey, Jack." Dean looked in the car and saw a young boy with wide blue eyes staring back at him. Jack looked remarkably like Castiel except for his blond hair. Dean said in a friendly tone, "Hi, Jack. I'm Dean. Uncle Sam is my brother."

"You're too short," Jack said, side-eyeing him. 

"Sam got the moose gene that made him grow to giant size."

"Do I have the moose gene?" Jack responded, perking up with interest.

"We won't know until you grow up. Uncle Sam ate lots of vegetables. I think that helped," Dean smiled at the boy.

"I like vegetables. Not carrots though. No carrots." Jack shook his head vigorously. 

Dean said, "Claire said you don’t like loud noises. I don't like them either. Maybe if the noise is too much, we can find a quiet place if your dad says it's ok?" Dean looked nervously at Castiel. When Castiel nodded, Dean said, "I have a PlayStation in the guest room. Maybe we could go there and play a video game when people get too noisy?"

Jack nodded and slid out of his car seat and held his arms up to Dean. Dean reached down with his left arm to snag Jack. When he saw Castiel still sitting on the ground, Dean looked at Jack, "Daddy is going to make us late."

Castiel stood up quickly. Today, Castiel had ditched his normal teaching attire and was wearing jeans with a warm grey henley. He looked tired, had a five o'clock shadow, and his hair was tousled even more than usual. "Is he too heavy for you, Dean? Jack's growing like a weed."

Dean shook his head, "Nope, he's fine." When he got Jack through the front door, he put him on his feet. Jack caught sight of Claire drinking a juice container and went careening to where Sam stood, holding one out to him. 

Dean said quietly, "Tough night?"

Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose. "Tough night, tough morning. Jack had nightmares and then this morning, he fought me every step of the way. He didn't use to be this way. Kelly's funeral… I should have been watching him more closely. The pictures, everyone crying, it overwhelmed him. He hasn't liked to be around people since. The last month has had a lot of change with me going back to work and him starting kindergarten and a new daycare. He's just having a tough time. Thank you for your help getting him to come inside."

"I get it, Cas. I think Jack and I might be kindred spirits on the change thing right now," Dean looked at the ground. "It's like things move so fast that it's hard to catch up."

Castiel put his hand on his arm and squeezed reassuringly, "Dean…"

The door suddenly flew open and a redhead bounced through the doorway. Dean smiled in genuine joy when he saw Charlie. She squealed, "Dean," before throwing herself into his arms. Dean winced and almost dropped her. Charlie looked startled when she saw him grimace. "Oops? I'm sorry." 

Dean hugged her tightly with his left arm. "It's ok, Charlie. I missed you so much."

Castiel stepped away from the two. Charlie exclaimed, "Cas." She pulled away from Dean and flung herself into Castiel's arms. Castiel let out a grunt but held Charlie tight.

"Cas and I have to rumble now. I think a game of Mario Kart to determine which of us is your bestie. Your high school bestie or your college bestie?"

Castiel said in mock indignation, "He can have two besties. It's fine."

Dean laughed, "I think Austin is big enough for the both of you."

Jessica said from the doorway, "Hey. Can I be his new bestie? Triple the besties? Triple the fun?"

Charlie nodded, "I'll take in under advisement." Charlie tugged on Dean's arm. "Ok, now I have you in my clutches, I have to tell you about all the changes to Warcraft from the last ten years. You shall be my handmaiden once more. I'm still mad at you, and you have to make up for ten years of me not having my handmaiden to serve me." Dean good-naturedly let Charlie drag him towards the kitchen.

Castiel sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. Jessica slipped her arms around him, "You ok, sweetie?" 

"It's been a day, Jess. But you do look radiant." He tugged gently on her hair that cascaded around her shoulders instead of her usual ponytail.

Sam called from the doorway, "No hitting on my wife, Novak."

"Can I help it if she likes me better?" Castiel called back to him. He said more quietly to Jessica, "I better make sure the kids aren't destroying anything yet."

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Dean was grilling hamburgers when the last of the guests arrived. Bobby Singer still wore a ball cap with a plaid shirt and jeans. Dean frowned slightly because Bobby looked much older than the last time he saw him. Jody Mills looked almost the same. She had been with the county sheriff's office while Dean had been part of the city police department. Their paths had crossed several times while Dean was a cop. One time, he invited her over to have a beer after work. Bobby was there too. Sparks had flown between the two of them. Next thing Dean knew, Jody and Bobby moved in together. That had been right before he left. It heartened him to see that they were still together and obviously still very connected.

Bobby approached him and said gruffly, "Son, it's good you are home."

Dean smiled, "It's good to be home. Thank you for keeping the Impala for me."

"No trouble at all. Gave me something to do whenever I missed your sorry ass."

Dean gulped nervously, "I'm sorry…"

"Don't give me that crap, idgit. I get that you had to go, but you could have said goodbye. Princess." 

Dean put down the spatula he was using on the hamburgers and hugged Bobby tightly, "I missed you, old man. And I know I'm crappy…"

"You ain't crappy, son. What you did was crappy. But the past is the past. Don't do it again or I'll kick your ass from here to Virginia and back."

"Yes, sir," Dean replied meekly, relieved the reunion moment was over. Bobby telling him off was expected and that let Dean know everything was ok. If Bobby hadn't have yelled at him, he would have been more worried.

Jody smiled at him and simply said, "Welcome home, Dean. It's good that you're home."

Dean watched as the others wandered between being indoors and outdoors. January was a little too cold in Austin for a backyard party, but Dean was grilling on the back deck so everyone kept coming out to keep him company. As soon as he took the last burger off the grill, he went into the house. The stragglers followed him in. He smiled after he put the platter on the counter. Castiel and Jessica started first, making plates for Claire and Jack. Dean hung back watching his family together for the first time in a decade as they squabbled happily while getting their food. A tear slid down his cheek, and he wiped it off with his knuckle. Castiel's eyes caught his as he wiped the tear, and he gave Dean a gentle smile. After Claire and Jack were settled at the table, Castiel walked back to Dean. He said quietly, "Time to eat, Dean. I wouldn't think I'd need to tell you since you're the one that cooked it, but here we are."

Dean croaked out, "It's too much. I don't deserve this." Dean's arm trembled a little bit. 

Castiel looked at him concerned. "Go sit down in the study. I'll bring you something to eat."

Dean nodded and headed into the room. He sat in one of the office chairs and rested his head on Sam's desk. He heard rustling behind him a moment later. Castiel placed one plate next to Dean and the other on the corner of the desk. He put a soda on the desk for each of them. Castiel sat in the other office chair and said quietly, "One of the best things about being a dad; you learn how to carry an amazing number of things at once."

Dean replied, "I'm ruining Jess' party for you. You should just go out there…"

"Are you kidding, Dean? Charlie is entertaining my children with stories about a ghost rabbit that steals carrots from a Hobbit farmer. I love my kids, but I need some time off for good behavior. These few minutes of relaxing in here are total bliss."

"But Jess…"

Castiel squeezed Dean's knee. "She's a big girl and a doctor. She knows you aren't in here to avoid her. She's got plenty of other people to keep her entertained."

Dean relaxed and took a bite out of his burger. Castiel smiled and followed suit. Castiel groaned, "Oh my God, I missed your burgers. They make me very happy."

Dean laughed. "Some things haven't changed. You still sound almost pornographic while eating burgers…"

"Just your burgers, Dean." Castiel laughed at him. They both stopped laughing at the same moment and stared intently at each other. After a moment, Castiel looked away nervously. "But most things have changed. I have children. They need me. I should…"

Dean said quietly, "Cas…"

Castiel turned to meet his eyes again. "Dean?"

"Thank you. Just… for being you."

"I'd have a hard time being someone else." Castiel smiled. 

Dean stared at Castiel and bit his lip. He leaned forward and touched Castiel's lips fleetingly with his own. Castiel's breath caught and they stared at each other, faces close together. Neither spoke or moved. After a moment, Castiel pressed forward and started kissing him again in earnest. They both became lost in the moment until Castiel abruptly pulled back. Castiel said, "This is a mistake, Dean. We can't do this."

"I… I'm sorry," Dean stuttered.

"It was both of us. We just… we can't do this. It's too complicated. I have to go." Castiel stood up and rushed towards the door. He paused for a moment and turned back to Dean, "You'll be okay in here? Should I send Sam in?"

Dean looked away, "I'm fine, Cas. Everything is fine." Castiel stared at him for a moment longer before leaving the room.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Castiel pretended everything was normal for the rest of Jessica's party. Dean remained in the study. Occasionally, Sam or Charlie would pop in the room to talk to him. Castiel talked to Jessica, kept the kids entertained, and then drove them home when they got tired.

After he finally wrangled the kids into bed, he wandered into his bathroom and stared at the mirror. He touched his lips with a finger. He muttered, "What was I thinking?" He frowned at his reflection and growled at himself. "You aren't over Kelly yet. Dean is a complete mess. You have two kids that need your full attention. This is all a very bad idea." 

He stalked out of the bathroom back into his bedroom. He stared around the room at all of the traces of Kelly. He hadn't even cleared all of her clothes out of the closet yet. He sighed and knew it was time to start letting her go. He picked a picture from the top of the dresser and sat heavily on the bed, staring at it. The picture was from their wedding. Castiel was laughing at something Kelly said, and she looked up at him adoringly. They had a small wedding with just Sam and a few of Kelly's friends. He smiled as he remembered that day. It was a beautiful sunset ceremony at Ink's Lake. After the wedding, he and Kelly camped at the lake for a few days for their honeymoon.

He ran his fingers through his hair and his eyes landed on the wedding ring still on his hand. He traced Kelly's profile in the picture lightly and said softly, "I love you, sweetheart. I always will." 

He put the picture back on the dresser. He stared at his wedding ring intently before sliding it off and placing it next to the picture.


	6. Wreck This Heart

Sam and Dean were eating breakfast when Jessica breezed into the room. She grabbed a piece of bacon from Sam's plate before sitting next to him. "Sam, can you watch Claire and Jack today? Cas called and asked for my help with something."

Sam raised both eyebrows, "Is it something I can help with?"

Jessica smirked, "It involves copious amounts of shopping. Some of it is going to be bulky, so I need to borrow your SUV."

Sam's eyes narrowed. "You shouldn't be picking up bulky things." He looked pointedly at the small bulge in her stomach area. "Mary might not like it."

Jessica rolled her eyes. "Firstly, I said bulky, not heavy. Secondly, I'm a doctor and know what I should and should not do. Thirdly, you have no idea want Mary might like yet." Jessica snatched another piece of bacon off of Sam's plate and took a bite.

Sam sighed, "Ok. Have Cas drop them off. Unless Dean objects?" Sam glanced at Dean who was sitting, quietly eating his eggs.

"It's fine, Sam. I don't mind kids. Even if I did mind, it's your house," Dean responded.

Jessica bopped him on the end of the nose, "None of that. It's our home. Yours too." She turned to face Sam, "Really, Sam, don't be concerned. I'm helping Cas pack up some things for Goodwill. He'll do all the lifting I promise. Then we're off to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to shop for new bedding, curtains, and house stuff. He's finally taking care of some things." Jessica shot Sam a meaningful look.

Dean looked confused between the two of them, feeling like he was missing something.

Sam mumbled, "That's good. He's needed to clean out some stuff for a while."

Jessica sighed, "You know I offered before. Anyway, he didn't want the kids there when he cleared some stuff out. We're picking out new stuff for their rooms too." She smiled, "It's really cool going shopping with someone else's credit card. I'm going to go get ready." Jessica stood up and breezed out of the room after snagging Sam's last piece of bacon.

Dean watched her leave. He smiled at Sam, "I wish I had half her energy."

"You sure you don't mind about the kids?"

Dean shrugged, "They're part of the Cas' package deal, right? He's family. They're family. It's all as it should be." Dean stood up and put his dishes in the dishwasher before heading to his bedroom.

He pulled the picture of Castiel and him on the beach out of the box on the bedside table as he sat down on the bed. He wasn't sure what to think or feel right now. That kiss the previous night had sent his mind into overdrive about the possibilities of finding his way back to Castiel. However, he also knew that neither of them was ready for that to happen. He sighed, staring at the picture. "Cas, why was I such a dumb ass?"

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Dean stayed in the bedroom until after he heard Castiel drop the kids off and leave. He knew he was taking the coward's way out by not facing him, but sometimes discretion was the better part of valor. After a safe amount of time passed, he went out to the kitchen to find Sam and the kids coloring in books at the table. Claire's and Jack's coloring books contained superheroes, while Sam was coloring in a coloring book with intricate Celtic designs. While the kids used crayons, Sam used colored pencils.

Dean smirked, "Can you color in the lines yet, Sam?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "It's an adult coloring book, Dean."

Dean looked confused, "They make coloring books for grownups?"

Claire answered without looking up, "Yep. It is good for your mind. It's a soothing, repetitive act that helps relax the neurons from firing too much in your brain. You should try it, Uncle Dean."

Dean snorted, "She sounds like a mini-Cas."

Claire looked up at him and arched her left eyebrow, "I'll take that as a compliment. Daddy is the smartest man I know."

Sam responded bemusedly, "I think Cas is the smartest man any of us know."

Jack said placidly, "Daddy says you're the smartest man, Uncle Sam."

Dean laughed, "Well, I’m certainly not the smartest man."

Claire responded, "I heard Daddy tell Aunt Jess that you often underestimate your intelligence, Uncle Dean."

Dean felt a blush fill his face. He knew he wasn't stupid -- he had been well respected in the CIA and chosen for fieldwork because of his mental aptitude, but Sam and Castiel were in a whole other league. "How does an eight-year-old talk like that, Sam?" Dean looked at Claire in wonder.

Jack said detached as if he memorized the speech, "She reads at the twelfth-grade level even she's in the third grade. She's in the 97th denial."

Claire muttered, "97th percentile. Get it right, shorty."

Jack rolled his eyes. "She uses big words."

Sam offered, "Big words can be good." He offered Dean a coloring book of mythological creatures. Dean shrugged, opened the book, and started coloring a unicorn.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Castiel sealed the top of the box with tape. "It's the last one, Jess. I never knew she had so many clothes." Castiel rubbed his chin as he looked at the eight boxes he packed. His closet and dresser were now almost empty. He didn't realize how little space his clothing took.

Jessica looked at him from where she sat on a chair with her legs elevated on the side of the bed. "Are you good, Cas?"

"Yeah. I should have done this months ago. Kelly wouldn't want me to wallow in self-pity."

Jessica stared at him compassionately, "One thing you haven't done, Cas, is wallow. You've been there for your kids. You managed to get a rhythm down as a single dad. Considering everything, I'd say you are kicking it in the ass."

"Doesn't feel like it." Castiel sighed as he sat on the bed next to Jessica's feet.

"Cut yourself some slack, Cas." She pulled her feet off the bed and leaned forward with her chin resting on her hands. "Did Dean inspire you to take this step? Taking off the wedding ring, getting rid of Kelly's things." She asked the question as if the answer didn't matter, but Castiel could feel the tension radiating off of her.

"Jess, Dean might have prompted me to take a look at myself, but I'm good. He's not doing anything," Castiel sighed at Jessica's protectiveness.

"You aren't ready…"

Castiel growled, "I know I'm not. I'm not intending to do anything with Dean. Neither of us is prepared to be anything but friends."

Jessica responded matter-of-factly, "He's still in love with you."

Castiel glared at her, "Are we really going to do this next to the boxes of my dead wife's belongings?"

"I'm not trying to make you mad, Cas. I'm warning you. I can see it every time you come up in conversation. Dean loves you. Do yourself a favor and be cautious." Jessica climbed to her feet. "Now that I've pissed you off, let's put the boxes in the truck and take them to Goodwill. I'll buy you a Frappuccino to make up being a jerk."

Castiel stood up and pulled Jessica into a hug, "I know you love me and want what's best for me." He kissed the top of her head.

Jessica looked up at him, "I want what's best for you and Dean both. I don't think that it is each other right now. Maybe sometime down the road. I'm starting to think that Dean is kind of awesome despite all the horror stories you and Sam told me."

Castiel snorted, "I never once said anything bad about Dean to you. I know Sam didn't."

Jessica shrugged, "Regardless, I might let him stick around. Just… don't fall for him, Cas. It will just end with both of you getting hurt. Now, I'll stop being Nosy McNosiness and help you get rid of these boxes so we can get to the main event--shopping."

Castiel picked up a box and started heading to the SUV with it. He knew Jessica was right. However, it didn't make that memory of a kiss seem any less amazing.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

After careful consideration (of about three minutes), the kids and Sam decided that they wanted leftover hamburgers from the night before for lunch. Dean smiled and set about reheating the food. Claire started to get condiments from the fridge, while Sam tossed a salad. Jack remained at the table, coloring pictures.

When Dean heard a loud shattering noise, he whirled to see Claire with ketchup splattered on her jeans and shoes. She looked up with tears in her eyes, "I'm sorry…"

Dean yelled, "No." He backed up until his back hit the wall and slid to the floor. The kitchen faded away and he was back on the patio at Michael Leon's villa in a remote village in South America.

> _Dean and Jo Harvelle were standing nervously on the patio. They had been invited to a party at the villa. Dean didn't take Jo with him often; however, he was close to being able to identify the top man in the cartel. When Michael had insisted that Dean bring his lovely blonde girlfriend from the city, Dean had had no choice but to include Jo. When they arrived at the party, there were no other guests._
> 
> _He kept darting his eyes up to the rooftop and tree line. Dean felt completely exposed here. There was a buffet table and Michael's bodyguard, Raphael, had insisted that other guests would be arriving soon._
> 
> _Jo whispered, "it's a trap."_
> 
> _Dean agreed grimly, "It's a trap."_
> 
> _There was a commotion at one of the doors leading into the villa. Dean saw Michael's broad shoulders at the door. Raphael was arguing with him._
> 
> _Michael pushed past Raphael. He strode across the patio angrily, "Is it true? Are you part of the U.S. government trying to betray us in our own country?"_
> 
> _Dean willed himself to look confused, "Michael, you know I'm American. I'm just a guy, trying to do a job for you."_
> 
> _"You are not a merc. You're an agent. Don't deny it," Michael said emphatically._
> 
> _A sharp report of a gun sounded through the villa, and Michael grunted as a red streak started to blossom across his chest. Dean pivoted to the direction of the gunfire, realizing it was coming from the roof. Jo hit the ground and rolled behind a table. As Jo removed her shoe to push a tiny transmitter in its heel to summon help, Dean pulled Michael's body behind another table and started patting him down for a gun. Anything. Dean's weapons had been removed when he entered the villa._
> 
> _Raphael ran from the doorway to protect his boss, only to be gunned down as well. After Dean triumphantly pulled a single handgun from Michael's body, he glanced at the distance between his and Jo's tables. He glanced up at the skyline again. He could see two snipers on top of the building, but something else seemed to be distracting them. He hoped fervently it was the extraction unit. He glanced between Jo and the hedges that surrounded the patio. If he could get Jo behind the hedges, they would provide adequate cover to try to run and make a break for it._
> 
> _He glanced up at the snipers again. He fled from behind the table, running low to the ground to try to get to Jo. He felt one bullet rip through his shoulder. He kept running forward when another bullet slammed into his back. He fell forward. Jo scrambled from behind her cover to pull him towards her. They could hear gunfire at the front of the house then. Dean dazedly felt himself pulled behind the table. He looked up weakly at Jo and stared at the blood coming out of her mouth. Her flowered dress was now decorated in a series of red splatters. She smiled at him weakly and said, "I'm sorry, Dean."_
> 
> _Dean just laid in her lap unable to help her as the life drained from Jo's body. Dean thought hazedly that he'd be joining her in a moment. As the darkness engulfed him, he saw one of the extraction team make his way towards them._

Sam stared at Dean rocking himself, screaming no with his eyes glazed over. Claire burst into tears, thinking he was angry. Jack froze and snapped a crayon in half. Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder to try to calm him. Dean thrashed out and hit Sam on the side of the face. Sam sat there dazed for a second. He stood up, gathered Claire and Jack, and took them into the study. He called Jessica in a panic.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Jessica paled as she listened to Sam. She and Castiel had just finished shopping and loaded the SUV. Rain had started to fall as they were in the store. Jessica looked at Castiel and said quickly, "Dean's having an anxiety attack, and it's freaking the kids out."

Jessica started the SUV and pushed her foot heavily on the accelerator. She peeled tires as she sped out of the parking lot. 

Castiel said in a panicked voice, "Don't speed, Jess." Jessica slowed down slightly and still pushed the speed limits. When Jessica ran a red light, Castiel growled, "If you don’t slow down, Jess, I will throw myself out of the car. We won't help Dean, Sam, or the kids if we wind up like Kelly."

Jessica looked stricken for a moment and slowed down to a more reasonable speed. Before the SUV came to a complete stop, Castiel jumped out of it and ran into the house. He saw the study door was shut and could hear Dean groaning in the kitchen. When Castiel stepped through the doorway, he saw Dean huddled against the wall, lost in his memories and repeating Jo's name.

Sam poked his head out of the study door. "Kids are in here, Cas. They're just shaken up." Castiel frowned at the bruise forming on Sam's cheek. Castiel turned back to Dean and said softly, "Dean?"

"My fault. It was my fault she died."

Castiel knelt on the floor next to him, staying a safe distance away. "You're in Austin, Dean. You're with me and Sam and Jess. You're safe. We're safe."

"Jo…" Dean looked around.

"Jo isn't here. She's in the past. You're in Sam's house in Austin. Everyone's ok."

Dean glanced around, taking in his surroundings as if for the first time. When he saw the remains of the ketchup bottle, he asked in a broken voice, "Claire?"

Castiel looked towards Sam with a panicked look. Sam nodded at him reassuringly. Castiel said, "Claire's fine. Sam says she's fine, Dean."

The cloudiness slowly faded from Dean's eyes. He looked up at Castiel and croaked out raggedly, "Cas?"

"Let's get you up, Dean." Castiel stood up and offered a hand to Dean. After pulling him up, Castiel herded Dean to the living room and sat him on the couch. He looked at Sam worriedly in the study doorway, "Can we change places, Sam?"

Jessica entered the living room and sat quietly in a chair across from Dean. Sam headed towards Dean, while Castiel stepped into the study. His heart was in his throat for a moment when he saw the ketchup splattered across the legs of Claire's pants. She looked at him worried, "I dropped the ketchup. It scared Uncle Dean and made him mad." Tears streaked her face. Jack was just quietly rocking in a corner.

Castiel comforted her, "It didn't make him mad, sweetheart. I think it made him think of a bad memory. It was sort of like having a nightmare when you are awake."

Jack whispered, "He hit Uncle Sam."

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut. "He didn't mean to." Castiel slid to the ground next to Jack and put an arm around him. Claire climbed into his lap a moment later. Castiel continued softly, "Dean loves Sam more than anything. He was just caught in his nightmare, and he got confused over what was real and what wasn't." Castiel felt nauseous at the thought of what might have happened if Claire or Jack had approached Dean instead of Sam.

"Is it because he's hurt?" Claire asked quietly.

Castiel nodded. "He's been through a lot. He needs time to recover."

Jack said hopefully, "If I draw him a picture will it make him feel better?"

Claire added, "I could draw him two."

Castiel held his children close. His heart swelled with the love he felt for his tiny humans. Kelly would be proud of their compassion. "I think we should draw Dean as many pictures as will fit on the fridge."

Claire asked seriously, "Can we also buy him new ketchup too?"

Castiel smiled at her, tears glistening in his eyes. "Yes. Of course, sweetheart." He glanced at the living room nervously where he could hear Dean, Sam, and Jessica talking. He wanted to take his kids home, but to do so they’d have to walk past Dean. He told the kids, "Stay here a moment, ok?"

When Claire nodded, Castiel walked timidly into the living room. He cleared his throat slightly.

Dean looked up at him, opened his mouth to say something, and then shut it again.

Castiel bit his lip before saying, "I'm taking the kids home."

Dean stammered, "I'm sorry, Cas…"

Castiel shook his head, "We'll talk about it later, Dean. The kids are fine and just confused. Claire is very sorry about the ketchup. I just need to take them home."

Jessica stood up and said, "Let me walk out with you." The two retrieved the kids from the study. Jessica held Claire's hand, while Castiel carried Jack to the car. After Castiel buckled both kids in the car, he turned to Jess with a grim expression.

Jessica said, "I'll drop the bedding and stuff of later when things calm down."

"Do you think that will happen again?" Castiel asked with a pinched look.

Jessica shrugged. "I'm not a therapist. I hope it doesn't happen. It scares me that he hit Sam, but it's not his fault. Dean is getting help. What he needs is time."

"I can't leave the kids alone with him again," Castiel said, looking away.

"He wasn't alone. Sam was there, and he kept them calm and safe."

Castiel bite interrupted abruptly. "It's my job to keep them safe."

Jessica kissed his cheek. "We'll get through this, sweetie. We will. All of us. Together. We're family."

Castiel nodded and squeezed her shoulder before getting in the car and driving away.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

When Jessica returned to the house, she went to the kitchen to clean up the mess.

Dean cleared his throat a little and looked at Sam. "Guess y'all know just how big of a freak I am now."

"Dean, it was a flashback, wasn't it?"

"The ketchup bottle broke. Then… Jo. She died trying to pull me to safety. She should have just stayed where she was. Jo had blonde hair too. Claire…" Dean trailed off, rubbing his hand against his chin. "I need to move out, Sam. I hurt you."

"Not until I touched you. I think… I should have talked to you first."

Dean stared at his feet. "That's what they did at the rehab center. They'd talk to me and help me realize it was a flashback. I haven't had one in a while. There's a reason I waited so long to come home, Sam. I thought… I thought that part had settled down."

"Dean, can I go to your therapist with you sometimes? I want to understand what I need to do to help you. Cas knew."

Dean shook his head, "You shouldn't have to put up with my crap, Sam."

Sam looked at him sternly, "You're my brother. I'm not letting you go again. It's our crap, not yours."

Dean sighed looking at the bruise on Sam's cheek. "Ok. I'll talk to Dr. Moseley and see what she says."

Sam responded, "Dean, we're in this together. Jess, Cas, and I have your back."

Dean nodded quietly, but he thought of the frightened look on Castiel's face as he left with the kids. He sighed heavily. For every step forward, he seemed to be taking two steps back.


	7. Turn the Page

Dean avoided talking about Castiel at all for the next three weeks. He was quiet and withdrawn from both Sam and Jessica. He bought a guitar and played it in his room in the evening. He started seeing his therapist, Missouri Mosely, to talk about his experiences. After a few visits, he invited Sam to a session.

Sam wasn't sure what to expect when he went to the session. He had a mental image of a person in a suit with a notebook and a pen asking them questions while they sat on a couch. Instead, he found himself in a homey, comfortable living room. When the middle-aged, motherly woman answered the door, she chided Dean to remember to take their dirty shoes off and not to put their feet on the coffee table. Dean obeyed without a word, and Sam followed suit. They sat around a table with a partially assembled puzzle on it.

Wordlessly, Dean picked up a piece of the puzzle and searched for where it would fit. Sam cautiously said, "Hello?"

Missouri gave him a warm smile and asked, "Hello, Sam. I'm Missouri. I'm sure Dean told you about me."

"Not a lot. He doesn't say a lot," Sam said uncomfortably as he watched Dean work on the puzzle.

"Yet, it was his idea for you to come here, Sam. Dean, why don't you give Sam some context?" Missouri asked.

"It's my job to protect you, Sammy. It's hard to tell you when something is wrong because I'm supposed to take care of you." Dean looked away, "I just don't think I’m up to that job anymore."

"You don't need to protect me, Dean. I just want to know how I can help you. I don't need a protector, I need my brother," Sam responded. He reached over and patted Dean's arm.

"Dean asked me to tell you a bit about what is going on with him, Sam. First off, none of this is your fault, and you can't fix it. What you can do is understand how to react to it and be supportive. Dean's been through a lot. I'm not going to describe that to you, it's not my place." Missouri said.

Dean stared at the puzzle as he put another piece in. "I told you some about Jo and getting shot. Sammy, I did bad things under orders. Things I shouldn't have ever done. People I…" Dean grimaced before continuing, "I killed. I tortured. That's all up here." He tapped on his head. "With the brain injury, I got some other things going on too. I'm broken, Sam. I wouldn't blame you if you walked out that door and didn't look back."

Sam said quietly, "Dean, you're my brother. I'm never going to turn my back on you--no matter what you did or didn't do."

Missouri interjected gently, "The number one thing he needs is patience and time, Sam. He needs you to give him space when he wants it but be there to listen when he needs you to be. It's not your job to fix him. It's your job to support him. There will be setbacks like what happened in your kitchen. However, Dean's already passed one major obstacle. He knows he needs help and he's getting it. The most important thing though is for you and Jessica to spend time alone together too. Dean doesn't need you hovering over him. One of his biggest concerns is he'll impact you and Jessica."

Dean choked out, "I don't want to ruin the good thing you have. I think I already drove Cas away. I don't want to drive Jess away. She's the best thing you ever had."

Missouri smiled at Sam, "Date nights. Dean will go take mini-breaks from you to give you alone time. You have to take care of yourself just as much as you support him. He told me you don't want him to move out, but you need to take care of all the priorities in your life, including the upcoming new family member."

Sam looked between them, "I understand."

"For Dean, this isn't a sprint to get better, it's a marathon. But he can complete it. I have every faith that we can and will work through things. He's already making progress. You might not see it right away, but he's making progress. There will be bad days. There will be crappy, awful days, and there will be good, amazing days. I can't tell you what Dean and I talk about, but you can call me anytime an issue occurs or if you have questions." Missouri patted Sam on the shoulder. "I'm here for you too."

After bidding Missouri goodbye, the two got in the Impala to drive home. Dean preferred to ride in the Impala instead of Sam's car even though he couldn't drive yet. Before starting the car, Sam paused and said, "I think you are wrong about Cas. I don't think you've driven him away."

Dean scoffed, "I haven't seen him around. I haven't heard you and Jess talk to him."

"He can be busy with his job and the kids."

"Have you talked to him at all the last three weeks?"

Sam responded after a moment, "We've texted a few times."

"How often do you usually talk to him?" Dean asked.

Sam frowned, "A couple of times a week."

"I rest my case. I kissed him, Sam. I didn't mean to; it just happened. That combined with freaking out on his kids probably has him heading for the hills. I wouldn't blame him."

Sam sighed and started the drive home. He needed to talk to Castiel.

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Castiel was grading papers at his desk at work when a sharp knock rattled his office door. Without pausing for Castiel to greet him, Sam stormed into the room. He closed the door behind him before growling, "What the hell, Cas? You've been dodging me and Jess for three weeks."

Castiel swallowed before saying, "I've been busy…"

"That's crap, Cas. You know it, and I know it," Sam responded angrily.

Castiel stood up, squaring his shoulders, "What do you want me to say, Sam? Dean freaked out my kids so much that I haven't wanted to go back to your house?"

Sam ran his fingers through his hair as he glared at Castiel, "Dean needs you. Jess and I need you. You're doing exactly to Dean what he did to you. Running out on him."

Castiel looked at Sam coldly, "What exactly do I owe Dean? He left me, Sam. He turned his back on me and never said a word. Ten years…not a single word."

Sam barreled into Castiel's personal space and poked him in the chest as he said, "But you owe me. Do you think this is easy for me? My brother needs my support. He's been through something that you and I can't begin to comprehend. I'm exhausted; I'm freaking out. I'm not sure what to do, but I keep sludging through to help him. Do you know what would help me? My best friend, but he's being an asshole."

Castiel took a step backward. "Jess?"

"Doesn't understand Dean half as well as you do, plus she's being impacted by all of this too. The therapist Dean is seeing told me that a supportive family is key. You're part of that family," Sam replied. He looked at Castiel imploringly, "I know Dean screwed up, but he's paid for it."

Castiel said quietly, "The kids miss you and Jess terribly. Last night Jack threw a fit because he's wanted to tell you about a book he read about a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. They are mad at me."

"Dean said he kissed you. Is that why you are staying away? I don't think he'll do that again."

Castiel sat on the edge of the desk and pinched the bridge of his nose. "No. Yes… Maybe… I don't know. I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't think about you and Jess in all of this. At first, I stayed away because I worried about Dean being around the kids. Claire understood that Dean only hit you because you startled him. Jack was ok after drawing Dean about a dozen pictures of butterflies."

"Dean's not been that bad again. Loud noises startle him. He doesn't like to go out like he used to. He's taking up playing the guitar because he finds that calming. I get if you don't want to leave the kids with him again, but please don't walk out of our lives, Cas. I need you. We all need you." Sam sighed. "I guess I can see where this is all selfish for me. You're right. You don't owe Dean a thing."

Castiel put his arms around Sam and pulled him into a close hug. "Sam, ten years ago you saved me. Even though you were just as worried and upset as I was, you were my rock. When Kelly died, you and Jess were there for me. I'm sorry. Asking for help from your family isn't selfish. I'm just an…what did you say… asshole."

Sam shifted his weight nervously, "I might have arranged for a babysitter for you so that you can go out to dinner with Jess, Dean, and me tonight."

Castiel snorted, "You were so sure that you could convince me…"

The corner of Sam's mouth quirked up, "Well, it was Charlie's idea. She offered to watch the kids if I could lure you back out of your hobbit hole."

Castiel shrugged, "Ok, I'll de-hermit again. Dean told you wrong about one thing."

"What's that?"

"We kissed each other. Dean didn't take advantage of me if that's what he told you. I didn't mean to. It just happened. It shouldn't happen." Castiel stared at his feet, not meeting Sam's eyes.

Sam said somberly, "I knew that. Dean is at best an unreliable narrator in his own life. He takes on all the blame for everything. I love my brother but he's a dumb ass. As your best friend and as Dean's brother, I wouldn't recommend traveling down that path until both of you are in a better place."

Castiel sighed, "I know. You're preaching to the choir, Sam."

Sam squeezed his shoulder. "Ok. Be at Benny's Diner at 6. Charlie is going to be at your house by 5:30."

Castiel hugged Sam briefly and whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Cas, we're family. We'll work it out. We always do."

Castiel watched Sam's back as he left. His stomach twisted in knots of apprehension for the upcoming evening. 

O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O

Sam drove Jessica and Dean to Benny's in the Impala. He hadn't mentioned to Dean that Castiel was meeting him yet. Sam didn't want Dean to overthink it. As they pulled into the parking lot, Dean noticed Castiel's car. His brows furrowed as he asked, "Cas is here?"

Jessica replied quickly, "We invited him. I hope you don't mind."

Dean's eyes narrowed, "You didn't make him?"

Sam responded, "Can you ever really 'make' Cas do anything?"

Dean glared, "That didn't answer my question."

"Look, Dean, I asked Cas to meet us for dinner and helped arrange a babysitter for him. That's all," Sam sighed. "Just relax."

Dean grumbled, "I hate surprises," as he got out of the car.

When they walked into the dinner, they saw Castiel in a booth in the back corner. Sam and Jessica sat down opposite from Castiel, while Dean hesitated before sitting next to him.

Castiel smiled, "Hello, Dean. Jess. Sam."

Jessica reached over and squeezed his hand. "It seems so long since we last talked. I've missed you."

"I'm sorry, Jess. I just…" Castiel trailed off. "I had some things I had to work through."

Dean said softly, "I'm sorry…"

Castiel interrupted, "You have nothing to be sorry about. Me not being there really has nothing to do with you. I…" Castiel grew quiet again and looked at Sam helplessly.

Sam cleared his throat. "It doesn't matter. We're here together now." He smiled at Castiel reassuring. "How are Jack and Claire?"

"Telling me off for not visiting Uncle Sam and Aunt Jess," Castiel said with a faint smile. "They let their displeasure with me be known. You, all three of you, need to come to my house for dinner soon. Otherwise, I think that Jack and Claire will rebel."

A burly man came from the kitchen, directly to the table. In a thick Cajun accent, he said, "Dean, you are a sight for sore eyes. How long have you been back?"

Dean smiled at Benny Lafitte and replied, "Hey, Benny. I've been home for a few weeks. I've been meaning to call you." Benny had owned the diner for twelve years. He had been a cop with Dean when he first joined the Austin PD. However, after Benny had shot a kid in the line of duty, he left the force. The police had ruled it as self-defense because the teenager was armed, but Benny had problems dealing with it. He finally bought the restaurant and was much happier.

"Back for good?"

Dean nodded. "I just want to come home."

"It's so good to see you and Cas back together," Benny glanced between Castiel and Dean.

Castiel cleared his throat, "We're not…."

Dean shrugged, "I just got back, Benny. I know I screwed up the way I left. I'm trying to slowly mend fences, but things will never be the way they were."

Benny shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other before saying, "You all want your regulars?"

Sam said, "You know us well."

Dean asked, "You know what I like after all these years?"

Benny, Sam, and Castiel responded in unison, "Cheeseburger, double bacon, no mayo, fries, and a coke."

Dean laughed and nodded. This felt good and right. Throughout dinner, they chatted about light subjects. Castiel was a little withdrawn but as the evening progressed, his normal wit and good nature returned. When Sam and Jess went to talk to a friend they knew in another booth, Dean said, "Cas, I'm so sorry about scaring the kids."

"You've got nothing to be sorry about, Dean. It's not your fault."

"I should have better control…"

Castiel closed his eyes. "Dean, you know the way I was when I met you. My childhood… You know what it was like. You were patient with me and helped me in ways I can never express. I understand you've been through a lot and you need time."

"I'm seeing a therapist. I'm working on things, Cas."

"Dean, I was looking for an excuse to avoid you. You being back, packing up Kelly's things, what happened the night of Jess' birthday. At first, I stayed away from you all by convincing myself it was better for you and the kids. I knew that was crap. I'm scared."

"You don't need to be scared of me, Cas. I would never hurt you."

Castiel stared at him, "You already did, Dean. I almost didn't make it through you leaving me before."

Dean looked at him wistfully, "I can't change the past, Cas. I can only try to better in the future."

Castiel looked out the window. "I don't think we can be friends, Dean."

The blood drained from Dean's face, "I understand, Cas. I'm planning on moving out of Sam's soon. You can be part of their lives. I'll stay out of the way."

"Dean… Is it too late for us?" Cas turned and stared intently at Dean. 

Dean asked, startled. "Do you want that?"

"I don't know, maybe. It's a bad idea. It's a terrible idea. It's the worst idea I ever had. But I can't be your friend now. It's still there… That spark between us. It's very confusing. Maybe we should see where it takes us. Maybe we'll find we are very different, and the spark will fade away and then we can be friends. But I need to know… Is it too late for us? Am I being presumptuous for even asking this? I don't know where to go from here. All I know is I still love you." Castiel looked away and muttered, "Sam is going to kill me."

Dean looked towards Jessica and Sam who were making their way back to the table. Dean whispered, "Cas, let's take this conversation elsewhere."

Castiel nodded. "We can take my car and go for a drive."

When Sam and Jessica approached the table, Dean said, "Cas and I are going to go for a drive. Talk things through."

Sam narrowed his eyes, "You guys sure you want to do that?"

"Yeah, we're sure," Dean stared at Sam intently, challenging him to argue about his decision.

Jessica put her hand on Sam's arm as he started to say something. She smiled at them sweetly, "You two have a lot to talk about. We'll see you later."

Castiel smiled and said, "Have an enjoyable evening."

Sam grumbled, "You too, Cas. Remember Charlie has to work in the morning, so don't stay out too late."

Dean snorted, "Yes, Dad. I'll be back by curfew."

Castiel led Dean out of the restaurant to his car. After they got in and Castiel started the engine, he looked over at Dean and asked, "Where to?"


End file.
